Some LDR advice

I really like your blog, I find it heartwarming, inspiring and hopeful. I am not really in an LDR but I do have someone in America whom I am very fond of and is very fond of me, but we both agreed that whilst we want to see each other and visit, committing to an extremely intense long distance relationship could strain our bond. That’s just our decision, however, I definitely feel like I can offer some valid advice if anyone would care to read it. Here are a few tips and rules to bare in mind:

1) Never be needy.
This is pretty much a golden rule of any relationship. Neediness can put strain and pressure on your partner as you are no longer offering them strength, support, love and value but rather sucking it from them and you become an emotional weight around their neck that is in danger of dragging them down.
Tell them you miss them and that you’re thinking of them, but also show strength, self confidence and show that you have a life outside of the relationship. Show them that you’re not just sitting there pining over them and the fact that you can’t be together, it’s painful at times, but they already know that and any constant negativity displayed about it will push them away from you.
Go out, do things and lead an active life. If you go and eat at a nice restaurant, tell them “I had a really awesome evening! I would love to take you here some time” and things like that. Exude positivity, confidence and emotional strength.
I know from personal experience that saying how sad you are feeling and miserable that you can’t be together, will lead them to associate negative emotions with the two of you or make them feel responsible for your unhappiness.

2) Do not overthink things
Every guy has a jealous bone, and in a LDR, there will be numerous occasions where it will twang and you will get lost in your head and scrutinize everything. This is a pointless and detrimental exercise! Jealousy is perfectly normal and acceptable, it’s just that some people cannot control it and let it rule them to the destruction of their relationships.
Take deep breaths, think about other things, talk it through with friends who will reassure you. However, DO NOT question them or seek unnecessary reassurance from them because they will think that A) You lack emotional maturity and are being NEEDY and B) That you do not trust them, which is very hurtful, particularly for a woman to hear with the current sexual double standards that exist in our society.
Sometimes you may have legitimate reasons to talk to them in a mature, calm and reasonable manner. But trust me, talking to them and making poorly judged and insensitive remarks over a trivial matter is a surefire way to get into some MAJOR arguments.
Act like nothing is a big deal. In particular, do not make “jokey comments” like “Oh right, going out with a load of guys tonight? ;)” or things like that, because while it may appear to be harmless banter and teasing, it is actually you disguising your jealousy, neediness and mistrust as a joke because you’re insecure. Women in particular will sniff this stuff out!
Just place your trust in them. Sometimes it can be broken, but most of the time if someone cheats on you or betrays you, the trust was never really there.

3) Take up exercise
Seriously, not only will this tone you up and get you feeling and looking sexy, it is also a great way to clear your emotions and your head. I am a long distance runner, when I go for a run, it’s just me and the road and a great chance to gather my thoughts, think things through and clear my head. When I am finished, all my problems seem pretty small and manageable.

4) If they don’t text/write back for a while…
…It’s not over. They’re probably just busy and they’re certainly not cheating on you. 

It is perfectly normal to have episodes where things maybe seem a little strained, like maybe the ease of conversation, banter and whatnot has slowed. You may think all sorts of things like the spark has gone but the truth is, no relationship stays in the intense honeymoon period forever. People have bad days, people sometimes feel like crap and they also sometimes take it out on the people they love most without meaning to.
Do not make a big deal out of this if it happens, just be understanding and things will return to normal. If however you start panicking and convince yourself that this is the end, it will just make them think you’re questioning the strength of the relationship and having doubts which will in turn exacerbate itself until you both really are doing just that.

Stop thinking about them meeting someone else
Obviously this is the biggest dread, particularly if they are at university and constantly out and meeting new people. But all you can do is just let go and not think about it. It might happen, they might meet someone and if they do, just try and be happy for them. But if you’re emotionally strong, supportive, loving without making any of the mistakes mentioned above, it is highly likely that they will have fond memories of you and still feel that love for you. It takes a long time to go away, believe me and there is always hope!
Also, on the subject of cheating; absolutely stop worrying. Emotional connections are far more important than the physical aspect and a lot harder to break. Also, if you know they have an interesting sexual history or were formerly promiscuous, do not make the mistake of assuming they are a cheater. People who cheat are a certain kind of human that either lack empathy, respect or consideration for other people or they are getting something elsewhere that they are not getting from their partners. Obviously in an LDR, this would be sex, but there are mitigating circumstances, and that is: They already know they’re in a LDR! They know they can’t expect sex everyday and they are not just going to jump on the nearest guy/girl next time they feel horny.
I have slept with quite a lot of women, in the months from February 2011 until October 2011 when I met my sweetheart, I had probably around ten sexual partners. That could be considered promiscuous, but I have NEVER cheated and I NEVER will. Bare that in mind when in a LDR.

( via: osafune2)

LDR Survival Tip #17

Pretend! Talk as if you were together. There doesn’t have to be a constant reminder that you guys are apart. Stay things like  “Cuddle with me?” or “Come kiss me”. Also, role-playing can be fun and you can make it as naughty or nice as you’d like.

LDR Survival Tip #16

Be intimate (assuming that you are both consenting adults). If you and your partner are sexual, it’s important to stay sexual even when you are apart. Try sending sexy text messages to each other sporadically during the week, and cyber and/or phone sex. At first it may be a little awkward, but I assure you—you will get used to it and will begin to genuinely enjoy the added passion it’ll bring to your relationship. An added bonus: all that build-up will make the “real thing” all the more exciting when you see each other next.

But be careful! If one of you is a minor and the other is not, you might get in trouble! People take these things very seriously.

LDR Survival Tip #15

Be ready to go with the flow. Life gets in the way sometimes. So don’t take it personally if your nightly phone call is suddenly cancelled. You have to learn to be flexible and accepting that things pay not always go as planned, and that you have to work around each other’s schedules.

LDR Survival Tip #14 

Don’t let other people get in your way. It is likely that your friends and family will not understand your decision to stay committed to this relationship. You have to have confidence in your decisions, and be able to filter the practical advice from a biased point of view.

LDR Survival Tip #13

Plan. Planning your next visit and discussing what you will do will give you both something to look forward to. You can count down the days together and it helps get you all the way to the end. 

LDR Survival Tip #12

Love.  Be sure to remind your significant other regularly of how much you love and miss them. This may seem obvious, but it’s amazing how getting a text that says ” I love you so much and I can’t wait to be with you” or “ I appreciate you sticking by me through this” can brighten your whole day.  But there is a limit. You don’t want “ I miss you” to loose it’s meaning. Limit this to about once or twice a day.

LDR Survival Tip #11

Defy the distance and do things together. Even though you are apart doesn’t mean that you can’t do things like watching movies/TV together while video chatting/on the phone with each other, read the same book, playing online/phone games, listening to music together, etc. Have fun with it! 

LDR Survival Tip #10

Set rules. You can’t be shy about expressing your wants and concerns. How often will you talk? Who will visit and when? Will it be exclusive? What are things will you absolutely not tolerate? Not everything has to be set in stone but having these things out in the open will avoid the guessing games. 

LDR Survival Tip #9

Distract yourself. You’ll need a life outside of your relationship. This is one of the bonuses of being in a long distance relationship; it lets you have time for yourself. The busier the both of you are, the less you’ll dwell on missing each other. Get some hobbies, visit with your friends and family, and focus on school and/or work. Not only will this be productive, but also when you do talk with your love you will actually have something to say. 

LDR Survival Tip #8

Don’t argue via email, facebook, texting, etc. If there is a disagreement, pick up the phone. Furthermore, avoid going to bed angry. Talk it out! It doesn’t matter if it’s hard; try. You can’t take for granted that you’ll just “make it up later”.

LDR Survival Tip #7

Get the right tools. There is no doubt that you should have a computer and an Internet connection. But it’s also important to have Skype (or a similar program) and a webcam with a microphone. Bonus points for a laptop with a built in webcam/microphone. Also it’s a good idea, if you have a desktop computer, to have a separate webcam so you can move it around. 

LDR survival Tip #6

Saying goodbye is hard. Make it easier! Exchange personal items like shirts, sweaters, pillows, or stuffed animals. Preferably something that has each other’s sense.  Also, leave them a note. Make sure it’s in a place that they won’t find it until after you’re gone. Call each other as soon as possible. Not only to ensure safety, but also to hear your partners voice when you are feeling down.

LDR Survival Tip #5

Relax. Just because your significant other hasn’t been answering their phone doesn’t mean they’re cheating on you. This goes for facebook too, just because there is someone writing cute things on their wall doesn’t mean anything. Don’t jump to conclusions.