Some LDR advice
I really like your blog, I find it heartwarming, inspiring and hopeful. I am not really in an LDR but I do have someone in America whom I am very fond of and is very fond of me, but we both agreed that whilst we want to see each other and visit, committing to an extremely intense long distance relationship could strain our bond. That’s just our decision, however, I definitely feel like I can offer some valid advice if anyone would care to read it. Here are a few tips and rules to bare in mind:
1) Never be needy.
This is pretty much a golden rule of any relationship. Neediness can put strain and pressure on your partner as you are no longer offering them strength, support, love and value but rather sucking it from them and you become an emotional weight around their neck that is in danger of dragging them down.
Tell them you miss them and that you’re thinking of them, but also show strength, self confidence and show that you have a life outside of the relationship. Show them that you’re not just sitting there pining over them and the fact that you can’t be together, it’s painful at times, but they already know that and any constant negativity displayed about it will push them away from you.
Go out, do things and lead an active life. If you go and eat at a nice restaurant, tell them “I had a really awesome evening! I would love to take you here some time” and things like that. Exude positivity, confidence and emotional strength.
I know from personal experience that saying how sad you are feeling and miserable that you can’t be together, will lead them to associate negative emotions with the two of you or make them feel responsible for your unhappiness.
2) Do not overthink things
Every guy has a jealous bone, and in a LDR, there will be numerous occasions where it will twang and you will get lost in your head and scrutinize everything. This is a pointless and detrimental exercise! Jealousy is perfectly normal and acceptable, it’s just that some people cannot control it and let it rule them to the destruction of their relationships.
Take deep breaths, think about other things, talk it through with friends who will reassure you. However, DO NOT question them or seek unnecessary reassurance from them because they will think that A) You lack emotional maturity and are being NEEDY and B) That you do not trust them, which is very hurtful, particularly for a woman to hear with the current sexual double standards that exist in our society.
Sometimes you may have legitimate reasons to talk to them in a mature, calm and reasonable manner. But trust me, talking to them and making poorly judged and insensitive remarks over a trivial matter is a surefire way to get into some MAJOR arguments.
Act like nothing is a big deal. In particular, do not make “jokey comments” like “Oh right, going out with a load of guys tonight? ;)” or things like that, because while it may appear to be harmless banter and teasing, it is actually you disguising your jealousy, neediness and mistrust as a joke because you’re insecure. Women in particular will sniff this stuff out!
Just place your trust in them. Sometimes it can be broken, but most of the time if someone cheats on you or betrays you, the trust was never really there.
3) Take up exercise
Seriously, not only will this tone you up and get you feeling and looking sexy, it is also a great way to clear your emotions and your head. I am a long distance runner, when I go for a run, it’s just me and the road and a great chance to gather my thoughts, think things through and clear my head. When I am finished, all my problems seem pretty small and manageable.
4) If they don’t text/write back for a while…
…It’s not over. They’re probably just busy and they’re certainly not cheating on you. It is perfectly normal to have episodes where things maybe seem a little strained, like maybe the ease of conversation, banter and whatnot has slowed. You may think all sorts of things like the spark has gone but the truth is, no relationship stays in the intense honeymoon period forever. People have bad days, people sometimes feel like crap and they also sometimes take it out on the people they love most without meaning to.
Do not make a big deal out of this if it happens, just be understanding and things will return to normal. If however you start panicking and convince yourself that this is the end, it will just make them think you’re questioning the strength of the relationship and having doubts which will in turn exacerbate itself until you both really are doing just that.
Stop thinking about them meeting someone else
Obviously this is the biggest dread, particularly if they are at university and constantly out and meeting new people. But all you can do is just let go and not think about it. It might happen, they might meet someone and if they do, just try and be happy for them. But if you’re emotionally strong, supportive, loving without making any of the mistakes mentioned above, it is highly likely that they will have fond memories of you and still feel that love for you. It takes a long time to go away, believe me and there is always hope!
Also, on the subject of cheating; absolutely stop worrying. Emotional connections are far more important than the physical aspect and a lot harder to break. Also, if you know they have an interesting sexual history or were formerly promiscuous, do not make the mistake of assuming they are a cheater. People who cheat are a certain kind of human that either lack empathy, respect or consideration for other people or they are getting something elsewhere that they are not getting from their partners. Obviously in an LDR, this would be sex, but there are mitigating circumstances, and that is: They already know they’re in a LDR! They know they can’t expect sex everyday and they are not just going to jump on the nearest guy/girl next time they feel horny.
I have slept with quite a lot of women, in the months from February 2011 until October 2011 when I met my sweetheart, I had probably around ten sexual partners. That could be considered promiscuous, but I have NEVER cheated and I NEVER will. Bare that in mind when in a LDR.
( via: osafune2)